I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
