Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He did a backflip because drugs
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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