I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
ttyl tear gas
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
