my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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