been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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