my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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