end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
