I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
