Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
