all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
