Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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