So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
