Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
