never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
