Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
