So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
