She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
