In the future we'll all be gay
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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