Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
