when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
