I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
