ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
