The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
