I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
