he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You took a bar mat shot.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
