Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
