ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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