Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
