I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
