I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
