I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
