I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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