Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
