If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
