I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
