there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We talked him into tasing himself.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
