Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
