Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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