Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
