the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Randomize
