Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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