omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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