$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
