nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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