its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
