so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
