He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
