Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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