Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
