Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
