mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
