Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
